Ups & Downs

The past few days have been up & down. I went to see my cousin perform in TeenStar 2015 at the weekend, which she got through to the next stage. She is so good & destined for big things!! Although I may be biased, there is no denying she has a natural raw talent. It was nice to see my Aunt & Uncle as well, & I got to meet a cousin of my Aunt’s who I had previously met when I was 7 when we were bridesmaids for my Aunt. I remembered her but it was great to get to know her & I’m hoping we can meet up again & maybe do some walking. She has already been in touch about possibly hooking up in May which should be good if it happens. 

Work has been relentless but I’ve found a nice pace – let’s hope it’s not disrupted! There’s a possibility of a position which will take me out of conferences & I’m hoping I will get it. I am aware the stress won’t necessarily decrease but if it takes me out of conferences & from under my current supervisor then I will be happy. I cannot work in the chaos & whirlwind she creates & her being away for nearly 3 weeks has made it even more obvious how much panic & disorder she brings to the team; it only takes one person to disrupt order. I had a conference today on 6 children!! My hands stopped working after typing for 2 hours straight!! Thankfully the reviewer didn’t turn up to sit in on the conference which alleviated some of the pressure (& space around the table), but it was still full on. 

I have finally bought a new vaporiser & am currently smoking the last pack of cigarettes I have. I have lost my routine however since I did that meeting, & then you subsequently coming over to chill the evening before stripping the house of the rest of your belongings & walking your poster, that my parents had framed for your birthday, over to your friend’s. The same friend who was the very catalyst for the breakdown in our communication & relationship (in my opinion). And how dare you more or less say I was fine with it – you know I had always been fine with the original arrangement which was to be a stop gap until he found a place, as it was an emergency & he had nowhere to go. But he wasn’t looking!! Not until tensions grew out of hand. Just something else you have thrown back at me. 

I am determined though that I will not be set back for long & I will get back to where I was & further. I am reminded to go back to My Journey in my workbook; these are the very obstacles & hurdles I anticipated I would encounter but I must continue to walk forward on my given path & soon enough those obstacles will be far in the distance behind me. They will have turned into accomplishments & achievements. It is only a matter of time. 

Reflection & Hopes

Not one ounce of support you were able to give

To the one person you had committed your life with

You don’t have the ability to step in others’ shoes

& you’re oblivious to all of the signals & cues

You only take notice of what you choose to see 

Stubborn in your ways & what you believe 

You can be so critical – we’re not all perfect like you

& just because you know someone doesn’t mean I do too

You couldn’t see how it felt to have to knock your own door

Or when you come home from work & he’s making out with some whore.

You even started to doubt him & seemed to lose trust

But at the very same time you didn’t seem fussed. 

I started to feel like a guest in my own home

& you did nothing to help me from feeling alone. 

I was struggling in myself with bigger things than him

You were meant to support me as a husband but I felt out on a limb. 

All I ever wanted was to spend time with you

But your hours of work meant the days together were so few

I accepted that as it is the nature of your career

But you have never enjoyed it, yet won’t leave out of fear

I would offer to help you at work just for the time

But you always said no & that you were fine. 

I would get so lonely yet had nowhere to turn

& didn’t know what was wrong, where to get help or to learn

Now you’re gone, having pushed me to a dark place

It’s clear to see things could be so different with time & space

Yet you cannot see it, there’s no hope in your mind

The only solution is to sign that dotted line

If only you could look back & see where it went awry

If only you could understand & realise the reasons why

You would see there is so much more potential in us

But at the same time you need to do what you must

I hope you find someone who you feel happy with

Who can accept the little time together you can give

Someone who you are able to support & feel loved by

Someone who makes you feel like you could fly

Goodbye

I can’t do this, I’m not strong enough yet

I cannot go from where I was to such feelings of regret. 

You may not feel anything & it’s just a friendly visit

But the way you leave me feeling I want to tell you where to kiss it. 

This friendship thing is not working,

I just cannot work it though

In my mind we should be together & that’s why we both said “I do”

But you cannot see our future even though it shines so bright

In your eyes you don’t love me & so separation is only right. 

That’s fair enough, I get it, but I cannot just be your friend 

You made my dreams come true & this is not how they are supposed to end

It is simply torturing me every time you have to leave

Every time you say goodbye my heart is fixed upon my sleeve. 

So, goodbye my love, I hope you find what you’re looking for

I wish you nothing but the best in life, but I now must close this door. 

From Half Full to Half Empty

I was thinking about my drive to work & how I felt like I was in the clouds. Before I would have felt heavy hearted as I entered that fog from such blue skies. Filled with misery & as if the weight of the world was on my shoulders. It therefore struck me how today I had been content as I broke through the wall of cloud. My head was in the clouds all day & I found it difficult to concentrate for any length of time – good job the system was down for half the day! 🙂 

I am astonished at the weight you have lifted by pushing me to the dark place you did. I cannot describe it. The path I now find myself on appears to look the same from the outside but everything seems brighter; happier. I guess the only thing missing is you by my side. Somehow though I feel at peace & everything around me looks half full instead of half empty. I still have issues with my physical self but I feel at one with my mind. 

This was before you came & left. Now I can only see & feel sadness. 

It hurts so much to say goodbye & only get your half hugs, watch you walk down the path & drive away, & it has crushed me with the mention of you coming over tomorrow to collect the rest of your things before you left. I don’t know if I am only torturing myself seeing you under such friendly circumstances. I cannot do this. I’m not strong enough yet for this kind of crash landing from where I had been today. It hurts too much & is so hard for me to remain positive. All I can do is cry & sob with grief & fear. 

I hope you have a good day off tomorrow & I guess I will see you again when I finish. 

Dreamy Days

The morning weather summed up my thoughts & disposition. I woke up to a hazy sky & a spring in my step. As the morning progressed & I got ready for the day ahead, the haze lifted to a beautiful blue sky. I could hear the birds singing which made me feel lighthearted & jovial. My mind is obviously on seeing you later. On my drive in there was not a cloud to be seen until I reached the next town where the road was suddenly plunged into a foggy mist. I envisaged myself driving on & through the clouds – I felt like I was on Cloud 9. 

I cannot concentrate at all & am anxious for my day to finish so I can go home again. I am back to how I was; eager to get home to see you. Maybe my excitement is futile & will only serve to cause disappointment but that bridge can only be crossed if & when I reach it. For now I shall enjoy the day & anticipation of tonight. 

I hope you have a good day & work goes smoothly for you. 

Nothing Else Matters

It’s funny how you chose the song for our first dance & later wanted the title engraved on our planters; “Nothing Else Matters”. So ironic.

All I wish is for you to just turn around & say those magic words. To tell me you want to save our marriage & that nothing else matters. All my dreams would come true again, just like they did on our special day, & the same as they did 12 years ago. I am merely pushing myself through the process of respecting your wishes to separate but I cannot ignore my heart & it’s wishes. It still dreams of you & believes in our future together. 

I understand we have so much to work through but I truly believe our future together is so bright & exceeds the boundaries we thought were there. All it will take is a little time but at the same time life is too short & if you are truly sure than I guess you have to do what you have to do. It is just hard to get my heart to accept the future it can visualise is not meant to be & that Nothing Else Matters. 

Productivity & Positivity

My thoughts were no different than they are any other day; they always centre on you. Today felt somewhat different though. I remembered my dream which featured you walking through the door, I can’t remember much more but you have been on my mind all day. So I was taken aback a bit when you called. 

It was so good to see you again, as it always is. You have no idea how much I miss seeing your face & hearing your voice. I must admit I wish I’d have had chance to freshen up a little & get changed after working all day but then again I guess it’s no worse a state than you have seen me in before. There is still a part of me though that wants you to see me at my best so maybe you will fall in love with me again. Pathetic, I know, but I suppose it goes back to when you first start dating & you don’t want that someone to see you in your togs. 

I want you to know though that I understand if you don’t have anywhere to put everything just yet. It’s not in the way & I have space to store it. It’s not an issue. It will be nice to see you however without having to discuss anything & to just enjoy your company. 

Overall today has been a good, productive day. I scrubbed down the grouting I did yesterday & grouted the rest of the tiles that I could behind the toilet. I had planned on scrubbing them down later tonight but by the time Dad left I had got myself doing something else & I need to start thinking about getting ready for bed with work tomorrow. I have got half way through sorting the sideboard out & utilising it for all the craft & card bits & pieces to save having boxes around. I still have a bit to go through but it’s a bit like a puzzle changing things around. I’ll get there though. 

I hope the weather stays like it has been so I can also get out & tidy the gardens up too. I guess I can only do one thing at a time though & at the moment my focus is on getting the bathroom finished & the house sorted with things put away. I then feel it will be easier to start decorating the bedroom with the rest of the house a little less chaotic & be able to enjoy the nice weather when it comes out in the gardens & working on the house in the evenings or when the weather is less favourable. 

I hope you have a good day tomorrow & work goes well for you. Looking forward to seeing you again. 

Appreciation & Understanding

I’m excited to say my social life appears to be picking up. I am starting to go places which is breaking up the solitude & in turn allowing me to enjoy time I do have to myself. I have always been one to enjoy my own company – being an only child & then the years of waiting for you to finish work has helped me with that, & I have found I need time on my own as much as I crave social interaction. My aim is to find a happy medium between the two this year in order to move forward in life more content & at peace. 

I have realised what I enjoy doing & what I have done in the past in order to have a social life. I want to start to honour my enjoyments more rather than constantly bend to what others want to do. I feel somewhat selfish taking this stance but I guess we all have to be selfish at one time or another. I also believe the more I pursue what I enjoy the more people I will come across who share the same interests & therefore in turn removing the need to do what others prefer to do in order to have a social life. Oh it’s all slotting in to place. Welcome back Haley! 🙂 

It occurred to me as I was writing & thinking about all this what my card said that I showed you back in December & you saying in my Christmas card that you hope I become the person I always was – I realise now how much I had changed over the years. You had nothing to be sorry about when you read that card; it was not your doing but life itself. It was my own doing straying from my path in life & being dazzled by everyone & the world around me. I am beginning to take charge of my life & realise who I am again. I was starting to lose myself long before we got together & if anything you were sent to me to bring me back. My love & appreciation for you grows the more my understanding of myself grows. 

Surprises of the Day

Tonight I have been surprised with a meal & tickets to the theatre. I don’t know what we’re going to I see & although I’m sure I could find out, I quite like the element of surprise. I went & got my nails done again today although I’m not too keen on my final choice. I get so overwhelmed with the amount of colours she has & although I generally go with an idea in mind I usually come out with a variation of what I went in to get… I thought I’d go for a spring theme, with of course the obligatory mushrooms! I think everyone would be shocked if I didn’t have the mushrooms at all!! I like to keep continuity! 🙂 

I am a bit confused by your message & saying you “have a couple of things [you] need to mention”. You could always message me with whatever it is so it doesn’t have to affect our evening of just hanging out together. Unless that is the only reason you want to “hook up”. Every time there seems to be a reason to have to contact so I can only assume this is the same. I really enjoyed last Saturday when there was a total calmness between us & we just enjoyed each other’s company – well I at least enjoyed yours; I’d like to think you enjoyed mine but who knows. 

I wish I didn’t have plans as I would very much like to see you again, but I am a strong believer in patience being a virtue & there will be another time. I hope you have had a good week & your weekend goes well. 

Pictures of You

Every time I touch my phone when the screen is locked I am shown a picture from our wedding. I don’t know why I continue to keep it as my screensaver picture but I am loathed to change it now. It made me wonder whether you had gone through your pictures & deleted anything to do with us, whether you had already changed my name in your contacts & if you had deleted all messages. I cannot bring myself to knowing I will not get a chance to get anymore. 

Our wedding picture of us walking up the path is one of my favourites; to me it portrays us completely – walking hand in hand, side by side, while looking at each other with the happiest looks on our faces. To me, it says it all. Sometimes it crosses my mind that you have probably thought why now? Why have pictures of us on my screensaver etc now? Well, in all honesty I have always respected your dislike to have your picture shown to others. Any picture of you that could reach the public eye is carefully thought about. I have only posted 2 pictures of your full face; one when we went for a bike ride & the other when we were in Iceland – I love those pictures & wanted people to see us happy together. Because of your self consciousness I very rarely had any pictures of you, especially together, even just for me – I have another one from Iceland with you sticking your thumbs up in that restaurant but I remember I had to more or less beg you to let me take one of you. 

Any picture that features you; even just your hand etc I find are my favourites out of a particular series. An example of one of those is when we went walking in those woods at the end of last year & I got a picture of you taking a picture of mushrooms on your phone. It makes me realise how much I favoured anything to do with you, no matter how slight. 

As all this crosses my mind it makes me realise how much I respected your wishes. Even just on my phone screen in case someone happened to see. Sometimes I wonder if I had posted/shown more whether it would have boosted your self confidence – like it did when you posted pictures of yourself on your own social network for others to see. I didn’t like making you upset though so respected your wish to remain off screen or camera. It was never a case that I didn’t want to show you off at all!!