Life seems to be picking up & I’m enjoying my days again. It’s made me realise how long I had been just plodding along merely breathing & not living. I have gone back to how I was when we first moved; 6 years ago. This weekend has been so productive & it feels really good. I got out in the front garden Saturday as it was such a beautiful day & gave it a really good tidying up. There is still a bit left to do but the tools need sharpening however it looks so much better. I was going to get out the back too but the temperature started to drop & after getting up early to get my nails done I was pretty worn out. Although I got my second wind much later & did a bit around the house which preceded making numerous to do lists & shopping lists. Oh I love lists!!
Yesterday I spent putting things away & doing odd bits. I’ve claimed some furniture from my Grandparents’ that I think will work with what I have already so it doesn’t look too out of place & all hotchpotch, which I am looking forward to getting in due course so I can finish rearranging the living room. I also started sorting out the small box room as it’s a mess again after I took the bookshelf out of there for downstairs. It’s all a bit of a jigsaw puzzle at the moment though, especially with the bathroom still being done. However yesterday marked the day the tiling was completed. I just need to finish off the grouting & then it’s the finishing touches. I will be so happy when that’s all done & I can start using it properly & have everything in place.
I kept up the pace when I got back home from work, & had eaten & sorted the filing cabinet out removing everything that had been cancelled or I no longer needed. I also made sure the washing up was done & washing out on so I can put it out on the line tomorrow. I am being really conscious about the gas & electricity & haven’t used the dishwasher for over a month. Likewise I have gone round & turned off all the plugs that were not being used, which I had already done to the TV months ago. I am actually looking forward to giving them actual meter readings to see how much (& quickly) I can reduce it back down. Considering you got text messages every month asking for the readings I cannot believe how many bills show up as estimated!!! Tomorrow I have a load of other things I want to get done, & naturally have made a separate list for that 😉 (it means I get to cross it off twice then too!). Simple pleasures.
Overall things are starting to come together. I still need to get myself back into the routine I was in with regards to eating, but I started as I mean to go on today by doing myself a meal when I got home. I’m wondering whether the disruption of company, of any form, puts me off. I do feel I’ve kept it up at work however. I’m looking forward to the bathroom being done as I will also get my own space back, although you are no longer here, or come home from work, I am starting to get used to that to some degree now so it will be nice when Dad no longer has to come over & I get my own time & space back completely. I am finding my patience is wearing slightly thin with Mom on occasions & I’m having to really be in the mood to have her around any length of time. I have a feeling though deep down it is only because I don’t want her to see me smoking & therefore my patience is tested until I can have a cigarette. I cannot summon that willpower & strength I had before to quit & it’s killing me – in every sense of the phrase.
I hope you are keeping well & work is going smoothly for you. It’s funny how it also struck Dad how you talk of work like it’s a breeze now yet that was one of the things you slammed me for when you left & made such a big deal about. I hope you will one day take a step back & see how I only felt you should be acknowledged & paid for what you are more than capable of, & in all honesty seemed to be doing anyway. How I was only trying to get you to reach your full potential & what you blamed me for; the sheer lack of responsibility you take for anything yourself. I have started to feel angry towards you, ever since you walked you prized possession over to his. It’s hard enough that he lives so close as it is without it feeling like you rubbing the salt even further into that wound; which he infected beyond words. I will not dwell though, whatever you need to do.
Well that was written yesterday & today I have continued with the same drive to get things done. Work has gone smoothly & all being well will also continue to do so. I finally remembered to put a wash load on before I went to bed so I could make use of the beautiful weather today. Typically it is expected to turn for the worse cone the weekend – it never stay for long, but I have made use of it while it was here & have plenty to do indoors to keep me from minding too much.
It is such a beautifully clear night as was the day, but it is not cold. In fact it is so nice outside it is making me miss you so much. Just to sit out in the garden together & enjoy each other’s company. I am finding my days are flying by either with work or jobs round the house & I have been occupying myself during the evenings – even more so recently. But sometimes something will make me miss you & pull at my heartstrings. I never stop thinking about you & continue to wish every day that you will come back, but time has healed the lonely feeling; I am alone, not lonely. However something will tip me, something as simple as the beautiful night I am taking in tonight.
Take care of yourself & shoot for the Moon, even if you miss you’ll land among the stars 😉