It’s been a while since I’ve written. Things have been so hectic over the last few months that I haven’t had time to stop & really write anything. Not only that I lost motivation & inspiration; & the site froze so I had lost my outlet. However, we are back & hopefully firing on all cylinders. Life has taken all sorts of crazy turns but they have all been life lessons that I am learning from. I feel like I have grown so much as a person over the last few months & finally I feel happy in myself. I’m taking each day as it comes but not forgetting my plans & goals. 

The bathroom is finally completed & I’m so happy with it. It feels like such a calm & tranquil space yet vibrant & awakening. The next to be tackled is the loft so that when I come to do the 2 large bedrooms I don’t have kapok insulation to deal with & I can get some order up there. 

Well that was all written on 4th August, it is now 5th September – how times flies when you’re having fun! 😀 

I have not done anything more to the house other than keep it clean & tidy. Instead I have been spending a lot of my days off with friends & finally feel like I have got my social life back on track. I’m enjoying summer, or at least the slightly warmer weather, while it’s here & then I will get back on with the house during winter. I’m struggling to keep on top of the house & garden but I’m ok with that, I’ll get there. For the time being I am enjoying life for what it is & happy taking each day as it comes. Things are looking much brighter now & it’s exciting! 

I started counselling about 2 1/2 months ago. It’s so so. Well no, it’s actually frickin tough going but I am growing as a person so I am embracing it as a positive thing. I both dread & look forward to Wednesdays, it’s a roller coaster but one I’m ok with. The one thing I’m really struggling with is communicating with Mom & Dad. I know I need to but I cannot shake myself from doing this on my own. I’m also scared to really go back to where I was at Christmas – I’m having so much fun at the moment! I will not shy away from it though. I was well aware I would face obstacles, distractions & deception; it is just about recognising them & actively doing something about them. I am also well aware it is not a race so I refuse to beat myself up over how slow I may feel my progress is going. However, I also refuse to give up. We all need to take a break & reevaluate & take stock of where we are, & where we want to be – & where we are going. 

Another thing I have done is joined a tarot group. The cards & my crystals are my spiritual guides together with the stars, & their assistance over the last few months have been irreplaceable. My spirituality has grown back to what it was some 13+ years ago. I no longer feel lost or unsure & it is liberating. My knowledge continues to expand & my mind continues to embrace everything that is earthly & spiritual. As my tarot year cards for this year showed me; I would be embracing life & all it’s wondrous magic to it’s fullest – The World & The Empress. I shall write a separate piece on those in more detail, but it’s safe to say I am experiencing them in their entirety & I feel on top of the world! 

Something Missing

Today you have been on my mind constantly. I cannot describe how much I miss you. I promised myself I wouldn’t dwell however I cannot help but yearn for your touch, for you to be here so I can hold you & not let go & it hurts so much to no longer be able to & not know if I will ever be able to again. As my drive continues & my strength holds to tackle my demons head on, I cannot help but wish you would see how bright our future could be together. It has crushed me to find out you are no longer wearing your wedding ring. To know you are ready to move on & put yourself out there kills me inside.  

As I reflect on the past couple of years it is quite surprising to see how much of an impact he had on me, & in turn us. Everything you bring up as to why you have had enough seems to have been after he stayed with us. The spiral is so plain to see now & it has devastated me that I even allowed myself to get that far & lose what I have. You are my world & have been for so many years; not even knowing how you are or what you have done hurts. I would do anything to wake up to you or watch you sleeping again, to cuddle up to you & for you to hold me again, to listen to you tell me how your day has gone & show me what amazing capture you got that day to edit or what masterpiece you have come up with next. I still cannot bring myself to sleep on my side of the bed even after all this time of you being gone, & it still gives me a sense of closeness to you sleeping on your side. 

I have been trying to plan my annual holiday & thought I’d do a long distance walk again but it’s not the same knowing I’ll be doing it alone. Part of me has a sense of drive to accomplish such a feat on my own but I know there will be something missing & no one to spur me on. I also feel it’s something we only do together but then if we are not together anymore I need to learn to pursue the activities I enjoy on my own. 

I still pray & wish every day & night you will return & we can save our marriage. If anything that is one of the most important things to me & I will do anything I can to save it. You are the one person who completes me & without you here there will always be something missing. 

Progressing Positively 

The last couple of weeks have gone really well & I’m pleased with the progress I have made on all fronts. I got the best news ever this week in that I got the position I was hoping to get at work which takes me out of conferences. I’m so pleased about that & am raring to get it started. The person I will be working with is someone who I get on & work very well with, & the person I am working for is someone who has helped me through the most difficult time I found myself ever facing. That alone fills me with confidence. It’s also quite satisfying to hear how valued you are as an employee & that I have been recognised for my hard work right to the top, especially in such a large organisation! Hard work pays!! 

Last night I went to see some live comedy with my parents which I was really looking forward to & totally met expectations! The line up was Justin Moorhouse, Gary Delaney, Hal Cruttenden & Jason Byrne, hosted by Bobby Murdock. Laughter really is the best medicine, although I couldn’t help but miss you incredibly when I got back home. I know it is something you would have loved to have seen too & we would have had such a laugh about it afterwards, but I found myself trying to tell Fudge & Pepsi, who were more interested in going outside, & musing the night in solitude. 

I am yet to actually meet up with or do anything with any friends but I will get there. I have been quite content speaking to people via messages & focusing on improving the house. I want out of here & the area. I am determined to move down south as soon as possible. But that is a long term goal I am working towards & at the moment I have plenty to do before I can get there. 

The bathroom is so close to being finished & is really starting to look top class!! I envisage a few more weeks & it will be finally completed. I can’t wait to get stuck into redecorating the bedroom!! Today I will continue on with the grouting. There is only one wall left, but I won’t lie, I have lost all enthusiasm for grouting & takes a lot of effort to get started on it – as soon as I hit the last wall, but I’m not holding anyone up but myself so I think that’s the main problem… If I can get a good go on it today I don’t think it will take much longer. 

I am finding it difficult, now that work is at full pace again, to keep up with everything at home & I think I overdid myself last week as I have been tired this week & overslept yesterday, but I have not given in & refuse to ever do so again! I just need to take each day at a time & be pleased & proud of the progress I have made on that given day. 

Every day you consume my thoughts still. I hope you are looking after yourself & keeping well, & that work is going smoothly for you. I am so sorry to hear about your Aunt & her health, I hope she pulls through!! Look out for your mom & dad. I’ve heard you have got yourself a portfolio of some of your photography. That’s great news & I hope it is the start of something special for you!! 

Great Satisfaction in Simple Pleasures 

The productiveness has continued & I’m so pleased with what I have got done over the past few days. It’s such a good feeling to know you have been able to cross off so many things on your list of “things to do”. I know the better weather has much to do with my drive & motivation however the stars are also working in my favour for the time being, giving me that push I needed. I am not looking forward to the weekend with the weather forecast we have been given but I want to use this opportunity to really focus on being positive & not letting the weather bring me down. 

There is still plenty of grouting to do, & I’m hoping I will have some of the furniture I have claimed from my parents so I can sort & rearrange that too. It’s giving me a lift changing things around & organising things better; like I had always intended to do, but, well I’m not going to repeat myself. I have made a promise to myself not to dwell; not to concentrate on the negatives & focus on the positives around me, whether they be small or large. I still think of you every day & my love for you has not died but I have learnt not to sink myself into a ‘woe-is-me’ that you are no longer here. Life goes on & the only way is forward but I still wish & pray every day for my dreams to come true & I blow you a kiss when I catch you in the night sky. However, the change around the house is serving me well in healing. Part of me wants you to come & see what I have done but I cannot play with fire, I tried to continue to see you just as a friend but it’s too much. I thought it was ok but the succession of visits from you over 3 days culminating in you taking the rest of your belongings threw me too close to square 1 again. It’s hard enough having to fight back the bitterness every time I have to pass their flat & look at their window or back terrace. I cannot fight any further negativity at the moment; it is draining me as it is. 

This weekend I am hoping to have completed another load off my lists. Every day I am crossing at least a couple of things off, whether they be small odd jobs or larger projects (anything large gets split down in to individual tasks however which will, in the end, complete the overall project; so I always feel an accomplishment crossing something off my list even when the project is still incomplete). I am learning that the simple pleasures can provide some of the greatest satisfaction & I intend to try & keep this mentality throughout life. I am focused on personal development & bettering myself, & small steps eventually make great strides!! 

Productively Moving On

Life seems to be picking up & I’m enjoying my days again. It’s made me realise how long I had been just plodding along merely breathing & not living. I have gone back to how I was when we first moved; 6 years ago. This weekend has been so productive & it feels really good. I got out in the front garden Saturday as it was such a beautiful day & gave it a really good tidying up. There is still a bit left to do but the tools need sharpening however it looks so much better. I was going to get out the back too but the temperature started to drop & after getting up early to get my nails done I was pretty worn out. Although I got my second wind much later & did a bit around the house which preceded making numerous to do lists & shopping lists. Oh I love lists!! 

Yesterday I spent putting things away & doing odd bits. I’ve claimed some furniture from my Grandparents’ that I think will work with what I have already so it doesn’t look too out of place & all hotchpotch, which I am looking forward to getting in due course so I can finish rearranging the living room. I also started sorting out the small box room as it’s a mess again after I took the bookshelf out of there for downstairs. It’s all a bit of a jigsaw puzzle at the moment though, especially with the bathroom still being done. However yesterday marked the day the tiling was completed. I just need to finish off the grouting & then it’s the finishing touches. I will be so happy when that’s all done & I can start using it properly & have everything in place. 

I kept up the pace when I got back home from work, & had eaten & sorted the filing cabinet out removing everything that had been cancelled or I no longer needed. I also made sure the washing up was done & washing out on so I can put it out on the line tomorrow. I am being really conscious about the gas & electricity & haven’t used the dishwasher for over a month. Likewise I have gone round & turned off all the plugs that were not being used, which I had already done to the TV months ago. I am actually looking forward to giving them actual meter readings to see how much (& quickly) I can reduce it back down. Considering you got text messages every month asking for the readings I cannot believe how many bills show up as estimated!!! Tomorrow I have a load of other things I want to get done, & naturally have made a separate list for that 😉 (it means I get to cross it off twice then too!). Simple pleasures. 

Overall things are starting to come together. I still need to get myself back into the routine I was in with regards to eating, but I started as I mean to go on today by doing myself a meal when I got home. I’m wondering whether the disruption of company, of any form, puts me off. I do feel I’ve kept it up at work however. I’m looking forward to the bathroom being done as I will also get my own space back, although you are no longer here, or come home from work, I am starting to get used to that to some degree now so it will be nice when Dad no longer has to come over & I get my own time & space back completely. I am finding my patience is wearing slightly thin with Mom on occasions & I’m having to really be in the mood to have her around any length of time. I have a feeling though deep down it is only because I don’t want her to see me smoking & therefore my patience is tested until I can have a cigarette. I cannot summon that willpower & strength I had before to quit & it’s killing me – in every sense of the phrase. 

I hope you are keeping well & work is going smoothly for you. It’s funny how it also struck Dad how you talk of work like it’s a breeze now yet that was one of the things you slammed me for when you left & made such a big deal about. I hope you will one day take a step back & see how I only felt you should be acknowledged & paid for what you are more than capable of, & in all honesty seemed to be doing anyway. How I was only trying to get you to reach your full potential & what you blamed me for; the sheer lack of responsibility you take for anything yourself. I have started to feel angry towards you, ever since you walked you prized possession over to his. It’s hard enough that he lives so close as it is without it feeling like you rubbing the salt even further into that wound; which he infected beyond words. I will not dwell though, whatever you need to do. 

Well that was written yesterday & today I have continued with the same drive to get things done. Work has gone smoothly & all being well will also continue to do so. I finally remembered to put a wash load on before I went to bed so I could make use of the beautiful weather today. Typically it is expected to turn for the worse cone the weekend – it never stay for long, but I have made use of it while it was here & have plenty to do indoors to keep me from minding too much. 

It is such a beautifully clear night as was the day, but it is not cold. In fact it is so nice outside it is making me miss you so much. Just to sit out in the garden together & enjoy each other’s company. I am finding my days are flying by either with work or jobs round the house & I have been occupying myself during the evenings – even more so recently. But sometimes something will make me miss you & pull at my heartstrings. I never stop thinking about you & continue to wish every day that you will come back, but time has healed the lonely feeling; I am alone, not lonely. However something will tip me, something as simple as the beautiful night I am taking in tonight. 

Take care of yourself & shoot for the Moon, even if you miss you’ll land among the stars 😉

Ups & Downs

The past few days have been up & down. I went to see my cousin perform in TeenStar 2015 at the weekend, which she got through to the next stage. She is so good & destined for big things!! Although I may be biased, there is no denying she has a natural raw talent. It was nice to see my Aunt & Uncle as well, & I got to meet a cousin of my Aunt’s who I had previously met when I was 7 when we were bridesmaids for my Aunt. I remembered her but it was great to get to know her & I’m hoping we can meet up again & maybe do some walking. She has already been in touch about possibly hooking up in May which should be good if it happens. 

Work has been relentless but I’ve found a nice pace – let’s hope it’s not disrupted! There’s a possibility of a position which will take me out of conferences & I’m hoping I will get it. I am aware the stress won’t necessarily decrease but if it takes me out of conferences & from under my current supervisor then I will be happy. I cannot work in the chaos & whirlwind she creates & her being away for nearly 3 weeks has made it even more obvious how much panic & disorder she brings to the team; it only takes one person to disrupt order. I had a conference today on 6 children!! My hands stopped working after typing for 2 hours straight!! Thankfully the reviewer didn’t turn up to sit in on the conference which alleviated some of the pressure (& space around the table), but it was still full on. 

I have finally bought a new vaporiser & am currently smoking the last pack of cigarettes I have. I have lost my routine however since I did that meeting, & then you subsequently coming over to chill the evening before stripping the house of the rest of your belongings & walking your poster, that my parents had framed for your birthday, over to your friend’s. The same friend who was the very catalyst for the breakdown in our communication & relationship (in my opinion). And how dare you more or less say I was fine with it – you know I had always been fine with the original arrangement which was to be a stop gap until he found a place, as it was an emergency & he had nowhere to go. But he wasn’t looking!! Not until tensions grew out of hand. Just something else you have thrown back at me. 

I am determined though that I will not be set back for long & I will get back to where I was & further. I am reminded to go back to My Journey in my workbook; these are the very obstacles & hurdles I anticipated I would encounter but I must continue to walk forward on my given path & soon enough those obstacles will be far in the distance behind me. They will have turned into accomplishments & achievements. It is only a matter of time. 

Reflection & Hopes

Not one ounce of support you were able to give

To the one person you had committed your life with

You don’t have the ability to step in others’ shoes

& you’re oblivious to all of the signals & cues

You only take notice of what you choose to see 

Stubborn in your ways & what you believe 

You can be so critical – we’re not all perfect like you

& just because you know someone doesn’t mean I do too

You couldn’t see how it felt to have to knock your own door

Or when you come home from work & he’s making out with some whore.

You even started to doubt him & seemed to lose trust

But at the very same time you didn’t seem fussed. 

I started to feel like a guest in my own home

& you did nothing to help me from feeling alone. 

I was struggling in myself with bigger things than him

You were meant to support me as a husband but I felt out on a limb. 

All I ever wanted was to spend time with you

But your hours of work meant the days together were so few

I accepted that as it is the nature of your career

But you have never enjoyed it, yet won’t leave out of fear

I would offer to help you at work just for the time

But you always said no & that you were fine. 

I would get so lonely yet had nowhere to turn

& didn’t know what was wrong, where to get help or to learn

Now you’re gone, having pushed me to a dark place

It’s clear to see things could be so different with time & space

Yet you cannot see it, there’s no hope in your mind

The only solution is to sign that dotted line

If only you could look back & see where it went awry

If only you could understand & realise the reasons why

You would see there is so much more potential in us

But at the same time you need to do what you must

I hope you find someone who you feel happy with

Who can accept the little time together you can give

Someone who you are able to support & feel loved by

Someone who makes you feel like you could fly